A long pause and a festering wound...
Why I haven't been writing and what I'm still wrestling with.
It’s been MANY months since I sat down to write anything here.
I originally started this Substack because I wanted to pursue more sane, constructive dialogue. I wanted to engage (in mutual respect and curiosity) with people across the political spectrum and outside of it. I wanted to contribute to a culture of recognizing nuance in the issues and recognizing the humanity in one another.
I first wrote about the vaccine mandates in this space because I was unsettled by them. Their unethical nature. Their unscientific nature. Their hyperpolitical nature. And so I wrote about them in hopes that a thoughtful dialogue was possible. And then I wrote about them again. And again. And again. And while the modest few of you who read this Substack engaged, it felt like the broader world had blindly accepted the unethical, the illogical, the unscientific. And they moved on, leaving many behind.
And that idea has consumed me too.
I am, by nature, a very passionate and somewhat emotional person. When I feel things, I feel them very deeply. My significant other says I have a “very strong sense of justice.” I suppose he’s right. When I feel an injustice is being done, it makes me angry and sad, and I start to feel heavy.
And the vaccine mandates were plagued with injustice. People were coerced under threat of loss of livelihood or being barred from access to education. The coercive culture around the vaccine campaign tore longstanding friendships and even familial bonds apart. The people who held strong did so at great personal cost. Financial costs, social costs, psychological costs, and much more. But those unaffected by them simply moved on, either out of apathy or oblivion (or in some cases contempt). So while the injustices carried on, so did the rest of the world.
This has caused such a heaviness within me. If I sat down to write again, I knew it would be about these mandates, and I wasn’t sure I could write any more without just ranting from a place of anger and hurt.
My intention in this space is to be rational and thoughtful, and to be considerate of the fact that I have my own blindspots. But all these months, it’s been hard to be anything but angry and sad.
If anything, the persistent nature of these mandates only has me more angry and sad.
Vaccinated people are getting and spreading covid. That is no longer a disputed fact. It is more or less expected at this point. And yet, the rules in workplaces and schools around the country and the world persist to coerce and force this shot, inexplicably as a way to prevent infection and transmission.
Just this past month — one year to the date that he declared that you can’t get or spread covid if you’re vaccinated — a double-boosted Joe Biden tested positive for the coronavirus. Before that, a double-boosted Anthony Fauci tested positive. Honestly, the list of high-profile politicians and bureaucrats who have been infected despite their “up-to date vaccinations” is too long at this point. The same people that pushed mandates to “stop the spread” have shown no sign of rolling them back, despite every sign — including in their own immune systems — that the shots don’t work as advertised to prevent infection or spread.
*sigh* I did it again. I’m ranting. See?
I don’t WANT to be consumed by this. But I clearly am. (It makes me a real gem in social situations.)
It’s no secret to me that the mandates, and their continued persistence because of failed leadership on SO MANY levels, have become a festering wound for me.
But I also know that this is no way to live. I can be angry. I can be sad. But I also can’t waste time and hope being ONLY those things.
So I’m trying to remember that a better world is still possible, despite the insanity that abounds. Per a favorite poem of mine (“Desiderata”), “with all it’s sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world.”
So it’s in that spirit that I’m going to at least *try* and come back to this space, connect with others interested in solutions and nuance, kindness, respect, ethics, etc and I’ll let those things lighten the heaviness. And while I often feel the only thing that will heal this wound is a complete 180, complete with restorative justice and an apology from those who destroyed the lives and livelihoods of millions, I’m going to stop holding my breath.
I’m going to have to learn to keep writing, keep creating, keep connecting, keep loving in spite of the wound. (Maybe I’ll find out that heals it. Maybe not.)
I’m even going to work on writing about something other than these God-forsaken mandates next time, even though NOTHING seems to get my fingers typing faster or my blood pressure up more quickly.
If you’re still here, thanks for hanging in. If you’re new here…hi. I hope you’ll stay and help me explore the beauty and hope in the world. And I hope you’ll understand if I occasionally talk about this wound until it heals or at least scabs and scars over.
-Sarah
I am just happy you're writing again, even if some of it winds up being what Baptist preachers would call "spleen venting".
I had a whole period in my blog where, looking back , I was addressing issues that I saw in churches, particularly in the South. Time and distance have taken some of the sting out of these issues and now those dissertations come across as a little harsh.
But there is a time to be mad. Sometimes mad is appropriate. And since I am one of the ones directly affected by the covidiot behavior, I appreciate you getting mad on our behalf.